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Friday, September 17, 2010

The dream

"...I dreamt that then a time will come
Of fame, fortune and fawn in tow
Straddling a star, my name on it
Waving my love to adoring fans..."

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~Self Therapy – Learning about myself~

I got depressed thinking of the gap from where I was to where I knew I dreamed to be. I looked at my circumstances and wanted to throw tantrums, blame someone…no… everyone for my anguish. From the mother who I felt didn’t teach me better to the man who made me waste 2yrs of my life, from the rapist to the boyfriend that ditched me because I was too much for him. ‘From the foolish people at work who didn’t promote me when they were supposed to, to my bloody landlord who increased the rent though he knew I was broke. From the downright ridiculous, to the insane, from the pain to all the tears I shed over non-issues. From all the people who said “you are strong, you can handle it”, to the people who acted like nothing was happening...
Instead of throwing tantrums and blaming whoever I chose a different path. The path I walk to this day. I may walk another path years from now but right now I choose to walk right here. Where shame has taught me it is just fine to be me, guilt has taught me it is just fine to make mistakes and pain has taught me strength has nothing to do with muscles.

I am who I am. The things these eyes have seen, this ears heard and this heart felt are the ingredients, I am the soup. I am the scoop. It is all about me! I’ve no idea if my way is best; I have never given a thought to it. What I do know is it works for me. It has quelled the tears and stopped the fear. It has given me a new reason to wake up and a long-lasting one because for as long as I live there will always be me. I wake up for me, people. Every morning I wake up for me. Everyday I think to myself, “how can I make me happy” – the answer could be “by making someone else happy” or “by going clubbing and dancing till my feet ache”. I ask myself “how do I justify my existence today?” and the answer could be “by talking of my experiences to a group of youngsters seeking a career” or “by stopping every now and then to smell the roses”. Not dramatic or cast in iron, but works for… you got it… ME.

Not everyday is happy but everyday I inch closer and closer to my dreams, same ones that began when I was a little girl. They haven’t changed, I have.

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I met him at a vulnerable time, wondering if there was something wrong with me, knocking on 30’s door and wondering why no one taught me desirable enough to want to spend more than a drunken date with me. A time of uncertainty. Why was I the one everyone wanted as maid of honour… Then I met him? I chose him because he was normal (or so I thought) because he seemed sane and seemed-okay. Maybe it had been my fault all along, maybe I was too choosy. It was time to begin a relationship and stay with it. Deep love will come as you spend time together.

So I dreamt of me in my CEO skirt-suit and him in his pristine pilot’s attire, both of us the ultimate “power couple”. I dreamed the dream…

8 more steps:

rethots said...

Finally.....

Afronuts said...

Welcome back!!

You poor dear. You seem to have gone thru so much. Is that what kept you off your blog?

I'm glad you've gotten yourself together and you're stronger now.

Good to have you back again.

Afronuts said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
akaBagucci said...

Stronger's better... And it is ok to dream... And learning about one's self is the most important thing I think..

Enigma said...

When I was through reading this, tears came to my eyes...and then, I smiled - I smiled at the realisation to which you have come: Happiness is Within.

Please, keep writing. Do not stop, ever.

Turumarth said...

Writing again... good.

Your prose reads almost like poetry. I really enjoyed reading this so it just goes to show that a little suffering is good for writers ;-)

Glad to see that you haven't let life pull you under permanently. It's good to have you back, hard knocks and all.

Who knows, this may even inspire me to pick up my 'pen' again... not that anyone actually missed me ;-)

StandTall-The Activist said...

"...I may walk another path years from now but right now I choose to walk right here. Where shame has taught me it is just fine to be me, guilt has taught me it is just fine to make mistakes and pain has taught me strength has nothing to do with muscles."

This should be made into a poster or a writing on the wall for everyone to read each day. What more of inspiration does one want?


I thank the heavens for meeting and knowing a determined lady such as yourself. Your dream can not elude you cuz you are much in control of your destiny and cuz you believe you will attain all you desire and more. You work for it, you live for it, you dream of it and above all cuz you are you! My powerful, intelligent, openminded, strong hearted, tender hearted, business oriented CEO!

You have come a long way!

Anonymous said...

you forgot to mention "beautiful"
Keep keeping your head up girl...

 
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