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Monday, February 9, 2009

Things that made me go - HUH?!

My neighbor and her prayers:

· I live on the ground floor and my neighbor on the apartment over mine is quite a zealous Christian. Her zeal is displayed in several ways. The loudest display is evident when she chooses to pray at 12 midnight. Sometimes these loud prayer sessions last for 3hours at a stretch. My neighbor goes into a religious frenzy and stamps her feet repeatedly and consistently all through the tongue speaking religious vehemence filled session. What’s my issue?
· On weekdays, I am forced to wake up at 4.00am -4.30am because traffic on third mainland can be vicious anytime after 6.00am. I get home quite late because sometimes I decide to wait out the rush hour traffic. So I get roughly about 4hrs precious sleep time each weekday! Imagine how it would feel to have to lie awake during these precious 4hours listening to your neighbour practically bring the house down in the name of prayer!@##$%^&&!

My gateman’s money grabbing stunts:

· My neighbours and I employed a new soft spoken gateman. Dude was quite nice and clean. His job was to open and close the gate, lock the gate at night and unlock it in the mornings, wash the cars and empty the trash. My neighbors and I worked out a payment scheme for this guy. 1k for washing the car and I think 2 for the job. So everyone gets to dole out 3k+ at the end of the month. One early in the morning at the ungodly hour I wake up to go to work. Gateman accosts me as am about to get in the car and says: “Madam, dem say make you bring money for dustbin”. I rave a little about how he should’ve told me yesterday and not early in the morning and by the way “who be dem”?
“This aunty wey dey live for up and the one wey dey live for down”
So I give him 1K and I tell him “dis one go last you oh, no dey ask person for money early in the morning you hear?!”
Imagine my shock when I learnt that we had already included the money for emptying the bin in his monthly payment and the whole “aunty give me money” thing was his own little scam in his own little world! Needless to say I deducted the 1k from his salary for the month with a stern warning that a repeat will land him in Panti police station. @##$%^&!

The guy who follows me home at 11.00pm:

· See me see wahala oh. I was on my way home one night. It was actually about 11.00pm when I got to my part of town when I noticed a car trailing me. There had been extraordinary traffic that dady. From the headlamps I could make out it was a Mercedes 190. At first, I chided myself for my over active imagination but decided to take a few illogical turns that if you were going anywhere reasonable you ‘d have no reasons to take. When the car stuck behind me like a heat seeking missile I panicked. I decided to drive past my street to the nearest police post. Luckily there was one not too far away and I drove straight there. The car continued to trail me in hot pursuit. When I got the police post I slowed down and the car pulled up beside me. The driver wound down and was saying something to me. I couldn’t make out what he was saying so I simply told the policeman that the man in that car had been following me and I have no idea who he was! Immediately the policemen sprang into action. They ordered him to come down from his car and asked why he was trailing me. His answer was “I saw her and I liked her and I wanted to get to know her, I have been following her since”. The perplexed policeman asked where he knew he was following me to. “To her husband’s house?!” and the guy repeated his logic. So the confused policemen simply held him back and asked me to go home!@#$$%!!!!!!!!!!


p.s
I spoke to my neighbour as nicely as I could about her loud praying and she has either toned down or moved the party to another room. At least she didn't assume I was a witch and her prayers were "disturbing" me. lol.

27 more steps:

QMoney said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha,this should have been things dat make u "crack ur ribs" but i bet it wasnt funny wen twas happening.
lol at "he likes u indeed.....",see trouble!!!

Enigma said...

Hmmmm...I am glad you were able to resolve the Tubthumping without resorting to bloodshed - or spewing lines of bad poetry....

About, the stalker dude - let me talk to him for a moment: DUDE!!!! Get a f... life!!!! I am sure you have never seen a babe as fine as her - but please; see as you take enter police yawa. Na wa for you O!

Okay, back to you now - I will not even begin to expound how your quip about the "heat seeking missile" is so appropriate on so many levels - damn! ROFLMAO!! I hope he finally found the "heat" he was "seeking" O!

OluwaDee said...

Thank God your neighbor has toned things down. Pple make to much noise in the name of religion.

Wise move, on the stalking dude. Will take note of this.

The gateman is a bloody thief.

Take care love.

TY Tha Mos Magnificent said...

na wa o! so we have stalkers in dis part of d world. betta have some pepper spray in ur bag, u neva can tell when u might need it

Temite said...

you have officially renewed my faith in the Nigerian police. Omo, who told you to be so foine, see as you confused the poor man with your beauty and he couldnt help but follow you so. HA. That bloody thief gateman. Nonsense. Carry on o jare, norrin do you.

Enkay said...

That was soo wise of you - driving straight to the police station. What was the guy thinking, stalking you by 11pm? That really would make anyone go huh?!

StandTall-The Activist said...

How I wish you are nearby so I can rub yoru back. Pele dear.

I liked the way you dealt with your gate man. No one messes with my girl.

Your prayer warrior neighbour was well handled too. I dont know if I mentioned that my neighbour that stay up our on apprtment pounds yam. They pound yams like no person business. They eat it everyday. When we couldnt bear it no longer, we complained the 3rd time and they moved the mortal and pestle downstair. Thank God!

There is this church near our house, they pray during thier everyday vigil and stomp their feet. I wonder what that has got to do with thier prayers. They wake us up indiscriminately, they give hubby headache, I still dont know how to handle this really but it's got to stop!

Ah ah, how can that guy followed you like that? God have mercy!

doll said...

how absolutely annoying. LOL

rethots said...

Of course, i won't trail you all the way home just because i want to scoop you; i would rather do what you least expect.

miz-cynic said...

desperado squared!so did u guys exchange number eh!did he make sense.....he he he

poeticallytinted said...

@Qmoney: Like say you dey there!
@Enigma: No need for blood. She turned out to be an ideal xtian of course minus loud praying. What do you think about the heat?! he found police heat of course.
@Oluwadee: My gateman, I don't smile with him anymore oh!
@TY: Yes oh, Naija stalker. Imagine!
@ Temite: Even me i was surprised at the policemen's rxn! That guy was high on something cheap abeg! Meanwhile where is my nickname?!
@ Enkay: Thank you jare, this old brain actually works sometimes. :)
@ Standy: what can I say? LOL @your yam pounding neighbours. You owe me a back rub sha.
@doll: you can say that again
@ rethots: I wonder what that would be.
@ mizcynic: Haba! xchange numbers with person wey don kolo ke! For all I knew he might have been a serial killer and I was too panicked to check the guy out... but looking back now, I think he was kinda good looking... but that his old mercedes benz wasn't calling my name at all... :D

Robyn said...

about the guy that follows you home.Be really careful Ive seen this part in the movies.No experience but it scares me.he should fuck off.Tell him you know big bad people(like me,,for real)

Honeywell said...

LMAO!
ok, the dude following you is just wierd... thank God there was a police station nearby.... which kind craze be that? and thank God your neighbour was nice about the whole thing, some people can take it to another level.... as for your gateman, that one is better.. compared to the one that we had that was asking me for my number, and the other one that jumped on the car and started gyrating one day late at night cuz he was high..

bumight said...

aw ur very first(?) real life stalker! lol. veeeeery creepy!

i was going to say ur neighbor is going to think her prayers are affecting u, till i read the note at the bottom.

Woomie O! said...

Give the stalker a chance.lmao. He was probably looking to escape from his wife and children, you know how it gets??? lol.

I once had a neighbour like yours, said my mind, plain and simple. I mean, if God spends all of 3 hours listening to your problems, what time is left for us brief, freestyle people? I dislike overzealous people sha...

Good to have you back.

Love you tonnes!

mike said...

SORRY. I HAVE THAT KIND OF NEIGHBOUR TOO. BUT I CALMED AUNTY IFY WITH LOUD MUSIC, WELL, SHE PRAYS FOR ME NOW, SAYING THAT GOD SHOULD MAKE ME REDUCE THE VOLUME OF MY SONGS. YOUR GATE MAN WANTS TO GROW WISE FOOLISHLY, PLEASE WARN HIM!

THAT LADY STALKER IS BOLD, EVEN TO THE POLICE STATION? YOU SHOULD HAVE DRIVEN TO THE ARMY BARRACKS INSTEAD.

Stanis said...

i once had an in-law who came to stay with us for sometime, and it was the same way she carried on with her prayers o! imagine waking up at 4Am because someone dey pray! look i am not saying people should not pray but why do so at the discomfort of others, em? by the time she left,it was like an answer to our prayer!

simplegal said...

LMBO...very funny post. I'm glad you resolved the problem with your neighbor. I like the way you handled that greedy gateman too.
As for stalker man,
"I saw her and I liked her and I wanted to get to know her, I have been following her since." Really? He might as well have added, "yes, I'm also a desperate and creepy man." Great idea to go straight to the police station!

Enjoy your week!

Uzezi said...

good thing u spoke with ur neighboour. and she is understanding not to pray on ur head

Turumarth said...

LOL!

Religious neighbour: I feel you... used to live very near a mosque a long time ago. They had loudhailers on the minaret to broadcast the morning call to prayer at 5am. The 'muezzin' had the most strident voice ever to assault human eardrums. And he never missed a day (must have been healthy as a horse). I used to have anxiety attacks that kept me awake worrying about the system shock that noise would create waking me up. So of course I would just be falling asleep when Mr Needle-Voice arrived for duty... Probably why I STILL have problems falling asleep...

Tycoon the Gateman: What's your beef? Don't you believe in free enterprise? :)

THAT guy: You should be used to socially deviant behaviour around you by now. He's not your ONLY stalker... :)

Rita said...

Sorry dear. As for me, I think I would not want to live "under" anybody cos I cannot promise to be diplomatic if something is affecting my sleep :-) I know how every hour for sleep is precious in Lagos

Is that how somebody will be stalking...is he jobless?

Anonymous said...

Its good to know that one can still trust naija police. Good for u d way u handled the other issues.
Pls can i ask u n blogville for help. m relocatin to naija n want to find out prices of renting in lagos. Also does anyone know about d mowe project? thanks. pls

Robyn said...

ok yes we miss you.
UPDATE(feels good,,,doing this to you)
you know i love you though lol!!

tobenna said...

A tale a day in the life of poetically tinted.
If all this happened in one day, it must have been dramatic.
You get home by 11pm after leaving for work by 4am!
Ridiculuous.
Incredible.
How can you continue like this?

Funms-the rebirth said...

glad ur neigbhour is quiet now..... and that guy, very creepy!
and ur gateman, lol.... poor guy thinking hes being smart

poeticallytinted said...

@ Tobenna! I don't know oh. I need to make my doll's fast!

CultureCynic said...

LOl this is too funny!!!!! i always used to wonder why ppl have to shout when they pray, i mean if you have to shout out your prayers, do you expect them to be anserwed back in the same manner?? LOL. am agnostic, so idrk. lol about her augumenting her behaviour instead of calling you 'winch', thats usually the response....

and ya those gate men eh, they are OG's in their scam plots and to think he will do it knowing u might find out and sort him out, shows he has liver non?? lol

love ur blog btw, quite cozy ! lol

 
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