Part two - Battle of the voices

Voice 1: Truth is, I am not sure I want to spend the rest of my life alone, truth is, I really do not believe I will ever find the crazy, tingling from head to toe kind of love I had for whatshisname eight years ago, truth is this is as good as it gets or isn't it?

Voice 2: I think you do not desire what he has to offer - at present. Your focus seems to be different. He seems to be coming on too strong and you are like, wtf?! Your perspective may change in time. Your relationship seems to have been based on half-truths at least on your part. You were escaping loneliness / lack of companionship. I may be wrong but fortunately for you, he IS a great guy, so doesn't look like you made a mistake. You've tried damage control, to warn him of your insanity, of your unconventional ideas and he still hangs on for dear life because he truly loves you. It seems you love him kind of the way a mom loves another woman's kid, you wouldn't like to see that kid get hurt.

Voice 1: That sounds so true, never thought of it like that myself.

Voice 2: You do not feel the 100%, I've found a soulmate kind of love. The someone who finishes off my sentences sort of love.

Voice 1: Isn't that how it should be before you go making commitments like getting engaged????!!!

Voice 2: The point is you are under no obligation to make a commitment. I know you feel pressured because you are engaged...

Voice 1: Everyone and I mean everyone and their brothers can't wait for the wedding!!!!!!!!!

Voice 2: Don't run off and get married just yet, wait and by the way don't run off in the opposite direction just yet either. Open up to him, let him fully appreciate there is no external ceremony that will cure what ails you. You love him but maybe you are not in love with him just yet.

Voice 1: No, it's not that simple, I WANT to be with him but I don't think I want to give everything of me to him. Let him in my space, in my life, in my head and completely in my heart, I've guarded my individuality, my heart and my independence too jealously all these years to willingly give any bit of it up at the sound of 'you may now kiss the bride'.

Voice 2: He may win you over in the future, he may not have done it now but it is looking likely. He is a GREAT guy, let's not lose sight of that.

Voice 1: Sometimes, when I feel like calling it off, I look into his eyes and realise the damage I'd be doing if I did that, I am not sure I can break his heart like that. I don't have it in me. I just can't. More pressure...

Voice 2: You may have a different view in future.

Voice 1: I feel untrue... I feel like I am living someone else's life, don't feel right. what if I don't feel differently in future? Should I like subject myself to a life of half-portions just because I wonder if anyone will ever be to me what I need. I also do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. Now I know what it really really feels like to be loved unconditionally, selfish, nearly-narcissistic me! :(

Voice 2: But he can be what you need, if you let him. He is ready. He is willing. He may not be there yet but that's part of what marriage is about, growing together in a secure relationship. I truly do not want you to regret any choices you make later on in life.

Voice 1: I don't know but I guess the eventual decision will have to be mine and will have to be something I can whole-heartedly accept. Don't worry, I won't regret whatever choices I make.

Voice 2: You are right the decision is yours.

Of Innie, Stiggy, Honesty and Men

Innie

'Innie', my internet connection had the flu. The first symptoms of her illness were intermitent coughing and sputtering. Then to my immense shock, she went into a coma. I had to rush her to the hospital were thankfully I was informed she was going to make it. She took sometime to recuperate but I am happy to announce she is back to work and doing quite well now, though I am watching her closely while she recuperates completely. In the meantime, Innie and I have come to an agreement to give you three posts in one to make up for lost time. :)

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Stiggy

Guess what? Standtall let me adopt one of her kittens. Some say he never sleeps, others say his whiskers have healing powers, all I know is, I have named him Stiggy (yeah you guessed right, after The Stig of TopGear) and if you don't like cars you are not likely to get this. He is named so because he is all white (just like The Stig), cute (I think The Stig is), mysterious (only Stiggy knows what goes on in Stiggy's head), and playful (think about how The Stig likes to play with cars), mischievious (The Stig and his language cds, I think that's quite tongue in cheek) and fast (you need to see my stiggy dashing all over the place. ) I love him loads. You may not believe this but it was love at first sight between both of us. He likes to crawl into bed beside me and I am quite scared he'll get crushed because he is so tiny. But when he looks up with those soulful eyes, (sigh) I can't deny him anything.

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Honesty








I got the coveted Certified Honest Blogger Award from Standtall (applause, taking a bow). Standtall has been a friend, an advisor and a sis, since I decided to start blogging actively. She told me of the great people in blogville and the best ways to reach out to them and to be part of this wonderful community. I am not all that, far from it but I have come to be accepted around here and for that I am grateful. Thank you all for taking time off your busy blogging schedules to visit this blog. May you all find happiness and may the ink in your pens never dry (in this case may the muscles of your fingers never become arthritic). I am going to pass this on to bloggers I really, really admire and whom I really really think blog from that honest place called 'the heart'. I have a long list but I am going to limit to about seven. My elimination will be done by not giving the award to people who I know have previously received it. And then add a list of people who deserve honorable mention, but I am not going to give them the award, just mention them. So, here goes and not in any particular order please...

• Kayshawn (I may not agree with him all the time but his writing sure is str8 from the heart)
• Tythemosmagnificent (hilarious dude)
• Ade Adeyemi (new blog, great writer)
• Dr. Naapali (dunno if anyone has given this to you but you touch the core of me each time you put pen to paper/fingers to keyboard)
• Definitely, MissDefinitelyMaybe (briliant writing)
• Mz Dee (dunno if you got this before now)
• And of course LG (it doesn't get truer than this)
• Twayne (my not so active blogger but blogger friend who likes to tell it like she feels it)

Honorable mention:

• Nigeriandramaqueen
• Badderchic
• Standtall
• Funms
• WoomieO
• Free flowing florida
• Solomsydelle
• Lighty
• Geishasong
• Princessa
• Chioma/Celebrate Africa (this chic is living my dream!)

and too numerous to mention others :)

and the rules are:

1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back.

2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.

3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing that they have received an award

4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).

5. And then pass it on!

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The battle of the voices

Confused
Having everything
Yet
Wanting something

I am about to open up to you guys like I have never before done on this blog. I will reveal this part of me I have kept away from you, quickly before I change my mind.

I am engaged to this wonderful man. Seriously, this guy is a dream and everything. The stuff fairy tales are made of. He is so in love with me. But lately, I have begun to ask myself some very difficult to articulate questions and giving myself some difficult to ignore answers. I wonder if I will make it to the ultimate goal. I wonder if I will give it all up somewhere along the way. I don’t know if I need advice but I am quite sure I want to hear what you’ve got to say. I should be happy not so? Some people would love to be me. There is calm outside and seeming perfection but somewhere inside me, the battle of two voices rages on.

Voice 1: We are so different…

Voice 2: Diversity makes relationships work and compromise makes relationships last

Voice 1: I guess so but sometimes it wears me down and I wonder again why I am doing it. In fact he said so himself – we are different. He is the -family, home and all that kind of person. I am the - I don't want any more responsibilities than taking care of myself selfish kind of person.

Voice 2: But there is definitely something that drew you to him. Something that made you fall in love. You don’t want another ‘you’ living in the same house as you!!!! Trust me.

Voice 1: Don't get me wrong, he's a great dude and he makes me so happy but I wonder if I am really wired like that, if you know what I mean. He tells me a relationship is not really easy but it is a lot of fun, he says it is something you need to work at. And I am like, I have quite a long list of stuff I need to work at, why would I go and willingly add another item titled ‘relationship/marriage’ to that list? The other things I work at happened to me or came about as a result of being alive, this one I did to myself. So is it really, really worth it? What's my payment? A few laughs? Am I supposed to feel this way, or am I just dysfunctional?

Voice 2: I think you are perfectly normal and being in a relationship comes with its own strains too, especially when you’ve been used to being independent. Like most things in life, the joyful things sometimes bring sadness. So, if you dare to enjoy the laughter, then you shouldn't mind the occasional tears. Weighed on a scale, being involved with someone who is willing to make things work beats being alone any day. And you are not alone in your trepidation about the success/condition of your relationship. Everyone goes through such moments. It's a part of the process...

Okay I have to stop here because it is getting longish (lol) will continue in part two so I don’t bore you. Keep your eyes on the page.

TENA - PROJECT DESIREE

Hello everyone,

I will take a break from poetry and from my PMS series to quickly post this. This is a project that tugs at my heart. It is in memory of my friend Tena. I cannot begin to describe to you what she meant to me and all that ever had the priviledge of knowing her. I think the fact that her life inspired this project is the best description for who she was and what her values were. I am so proud of her and quite humbled by what she has achieved in life and even in death. Tena will always be alive in my heart and now in yours.

Please visit Uzezi's page for more information on this. I just quickly copied this from FB. I should have done this last week but have been quite ill. Two weeks to go guys! Hurry!

Project Desiree is a program we are putting together in memory of one of the founding members of the organisation (Tena Desiree Tebeakami). She died in April in South Africa and we have designed this as a fund for the purpose of sponsoring the education of selected kids in orphanages, home etc. Tena was always at the centre of activities in YPI. Her dedication and passion was a great inspiration for the rest of us. For the first one coming up, we intend to raise N1m and it will be an annual programme going forward.The amount raised would be used to start up the “Desiree scholars program” which will provide scholarships for selected orphans/ pupils in selected public schools up to the secondary school level.Please join us at a lecture and fund raising titled “Be the Change”, in respect of this project (see further details below). This will also be an opportunity to learn more about YPI. We invite you to be a part of this cause, remember without involvement there is no commitment.Date: Sunday 21 September, 2008Speaker: Adeolu Akinyemi (deoluakinyemi.com) Theme: ''Be The Change''You can also be a part of Project Desiree by making donations to: Account name: YPI Global ResourcesAccount number- 6210900467 (Zenith Bank Plc)Pls contact the following for more information:Wole Toriola (OyewoleToriola@bankphb.com, 08079638400); Uzezi Ejere (uzak_uz@yahoo.com, 08023929375); Idris Toriola (Idris.Toriola@stanbic.com, 08023163113); Ayo Olowookere ( ayoolowo@yahoo.com, 08023271004), Ola Belogore ( olabelgore@yahoo.com, 08060220899)

Sink or Swim

Blinking blinding shades of colour

Of shiny shores long discovered

Water filled with secret tales

Flowing fast in waves of terror

Disguised behind shady visors

And camouflaged identities

Watching the flood undetected

Are people who never venture!

link to picture: http://www.beautifuloutdoorphotography.com/

PMS series (3) - In the face of male smugness

How una dey? Forgive me for not posting any of my PMS rantings for a while. It was due to nature. Imagine! I tried to fit into one pair of bikini bottoms I used to wear like 2years ago, thank God it fit oh! but d tin almost tear my nyansh into two.
So I have gone on a crash chinese-torture 10wk diet plan, where all I'm allowed to eat is air and water! (If you open dat your teeth ehn...!) AND exercise from morning till night. I call it 'operation bonga-fish'. I even changed my fb profile picture to one very lekpacious girl cartoon (see pic) to inspire me. God pass dem! But then I digress...

Now to the business at hand. Men are smug beings. The world is supposed to revolve around them and when it doesn't? - credible threat to world peace. Now to be fair to men, not all of them are like this but when they are, they reeeeeeaaaaallly are.

This one goes out to all the men who would LOVE for our worlds to revolve around them. Men, funny beings, they ASSUME you want to call them at 1.00am on a Friday night to find out where they are. They ASSUME you will go ga-ga if you saw that chic's number on his dialled numbers list. They ASSUME you'd be unable to run your life properly if they weren't there. They KNOW you'll cry buckets if they left you. These are the men that absolutely hate songs like 'Independent woman', 'I will survive' and 'Take a bow'.

You know something funny, these kind of men always act like 'omigosh-she's-always-up-in-my-b'iness'. But they love the attention, they can't live without it. They need it like tilapia needs sea water. You should hear them at the club, 'my woman'll soon call, why can't she just sleep and leave me alone' (tip: if you don't call they'll pretend you did and hold the phone to their ears and yell at a phantom caller to leave them alone, they'll be home when they please!). I used to have a boyfriend who'll get upset when I don't get upset about his numerous other women! Imagine! He'll say to me 'if you cared a little about me you'll care that I've got other women'. They need their women to be insecure so they can provide security. You've got to fuel that ego or else... Some women do just that, feed that ego so there'll be peace. The problem is the ego just keeps growing humongous. It's just another pissing contest, they actually measure who's more in control of his ward (you know, his woman). You have to feed him, listen to him even if you don't want to talk, tend his every need and let him be 'the man' in public, while he sits there with a smug smile.

Ok, mister, this is what a woman wants from her man, support not dominance, respect not disrespect. She wants you to listen and recognise that she's her own person with her own views, opinions, wants, desires, ambition and above all, life. She may be with you but guess what? She's still an individual, it's not like you guys are conjoined at the hips now. There's no need for you to monitor her every move or even do everything for her. Sometimes we actually don't want your advice even if in your infinite wisdom we are about to make a grave mistake. Yeah, believe it or not. We would like to make our own mistakes and not yours. We would love to see you happy all the time, but you know sometimes, we have PMS, bad day at work, mood swings or even just don't feel like it. Maybe you should find something else to do, how about that sport station you are always intent on watching the moment we switch to fashion TV? Sometimes we don't want to have a conversation, sometimes we don't want to cook and no this is no revolution or women liberation thing going on and we don't want another car... we are only human.

Don't mean to be mean but some dudes need to realise there are 'two people' in that relationship and some women need to learn to be who they are supposed to be. You need to look for that balance, I am all for mutual respect and support in a relationship, I guess that's why we do it in the first place. That's what love should bring.

Losing Myself

I seem to be lost in a world of your own
Taking a walk on your waters of ice
My fingers disappear in the hair on your chest
Buried deep, promptly sucked in
I shudder to think what would be left of me
Drinking in the liquid flames which drip from your sword
I am speechless, unable to say the words in my head
Same head I seem to have lost to you
That's why I can't walk straight
Back when I still had ears
I heard people needed them for balance
I have lost my mind, my will to you
Rubbery legs fly me to you
I have no control of them
Maybe they are not mine
For when I scream at them angrily, “Take me back! Take me back!”
They race towards you in reckless disobedience
Don’t they know you burn all you touch to cinders?
It’s all over, up in smoke
The loud thud-thud of my heart have just ceased

In my head

Overpowering thoughts of you
Grazing the corners of my mind
Nearly-there images
Tormenting the threshold of my sanity
Obliquely evading recognition
Yet ever present: never waning
Intense in its fleetingness
Avoiding any grasp of meaning
I suffer in silence
Unable to share incomprehensible thoughts
Though severe they truly are
They do confound me I dare say
For I only met you that one time